SHREK---A DAY IN THE LIFE
by golden.noah.punch
Summary: A short tale about everybody's, EVERYBODY'S favorite Scottish Ogre, Shrek.


Shrek was sitting in his outhouse. he was taking a shit out of his big green ass. This was not old love-able's day, today, mostly because he was super high on some really strong LSD from the future and he was taking a seriously big shit. This was one** HUUUUUUUUUUUGE** crap pile if there ever was one. It was just terrible. Just pure ammonia, steaming out and almost knocking him, _SHREK, _a _FULL-SIZED ADULT OGRE,_ out cold. From the LSD and the carbon monoxide poisoning and the sheer pain of giving birth the richest fiber deposit in the history of the world (that will one day, no doubt, be discovered by a pair of archaeologists who'll mistake it for a meteorite and use it to make everyone believe that life _reaally did_ fall from space billions of years ago), poor old Shrek was quite possibly the most frustrated man in the history of ass. He was also unbelievably horny, as most ogres are _most _of the time. Shrek WAS able to amuse himself, though.

First, he masturbated. As all men know, a frustrated wank-off is a very successful wank-off, and no men are better at it than Ogre men, and no Ogre was ever as good as Shrek. Trust me, they've tried. Little-known-fact is that Shrek was a three-time winner of the international dick-pulling championship, and would have won a fourth white-encrusted-but-originally-gold medal had he not retired when he found himself some real Ogre pussy (we're talking about Fiona, here.) and thus somewhere to stick his 'thang'... In actuality, Ogres everywhere stopped masturbating when Fiona came to town. **HOLY SHIT** was she a bad girl. But that's another story altogether. What we're talking about here are Shrek's fantasies on the toilet.

As we all know, Shrek has a thing for princesses. Princesses, Mermaids, he's into that kinky shit. He imagined an elf princess, this beautiful bitch with all this "dignity, or whatever," these almost hilariously huge tits (no bra, of course) and a beautiful, shaved pussy, all over him. Starts out with her just sucking his green junk, just caressing, licking, trying to sing some beautiful elvish song but it all just comes out in gurgles (Elves can _usually _'pull off' a song or two, no pun intended, while giving head, but no elf in the history of elves could ever do that for an _ogre_). She's sucking, singing, moaning; he's ripping off her practically non-existent clothes, mutilating her long nipples. All of a sudden he decides that it'd be hotter if she had a chain around her neck, and all these weird tattoos that say "I LOVE SHREK" on them and he's starting to get harder now, his hand really starting to get sore, he's starting to feel the skin on his dick stretching and through the pain and the high he's vaguely worried that if he keeps this up his foreskin'll split off like chewing gum around your tongue when you try to blow a bubble but you push it out too far. But we know Shrek, we know he can't stop himself, and what's a few days in the hospital to our old man? Nothing, that's right. Meanwhile this imaginary bitch is starting to get really imaginably hysterical. Somehow through the passion and fog of Shrek's limited brain she went from having Shrek's dick all the way up her throat like he's about to perform some kind of really sexy medieval water torture on her to being against a giant log, pummeled from behind, screaming, getting splinters in her tits while her ass is quickly losing all resemblance to an ass as Shrek is "remodeling it" to fit his needs, so to speak. Finally, he cums and she disappears and he's left to find himself leaning against a particularly moldy hole in the log (it's his favorite hole) several hours later. Realizing what's happened, he slowly turns to find a trail of gray-green shit from the outhouse to the log, a two-and-a-half foot pile of shit sticking to his legs like cement, a mountain formed around to great, green, hairy pillars, you can't even see his feet. He slowly pulls his dick out from the hole in the log, tests touching it and winces, his penis looks like he had used it to play tug-o-war with a german shepherd. He fumbles around in his pockets, getting penis-blood-and-cum all over his pants, finally pulls out a cellular phone and dials 999.


End file.
